[Xymet]

I see that we lack a Jokes thread, lets just put up some jokes so we all can have some laughs?

As to justify what I have written, I have put up a Joke I found in a Website

The Cookies
At an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight, she hunted for a book in an airport shop. Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see that the man sitting beside her as bold as could be, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between them, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, he took one too. When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.

With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh he took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half as he ate the other, She snatched it from him and thought....ooh, brother! This guy had some nerve and he's also rude. Why he didn't even show any gratitude! She had never known when she been so galled. She sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, then she sought her book.

As she reached in her baggage she gasped with surprise. There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes. If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his. And he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief! How many times have we absolutely known that something was a certain way, only to discover later that what we believed to be true....was not? Always Keep An Open Mind And An Open Heart, Because..... You Just Never know.... You might be eating someone else's cookies.

 

[Player-X]

You know these threads don't seem to last long

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Because a zoophite was chasing it

 

[ChankastRules]

I love joke threads

Two whales where out swimming one male and one female, and suddenly they save a ship full of whale-catcher.

Male Whale "I recognize that boat!, they're the ones that killed my mother and father!, let's blow the boat over so that they'll all end up in the water!"

Female Whale "Okay"

And so the whales get to work and blow the ship over.

Male Whale "Now let's eat all the people and I will complete my revenge!!"

Female Whale "No way, I agreed to do the blow job, but I'm not going to swallow the seamen!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Okay, now this thread reach the buttom already on the third entry

 

[Betamax]

It's been a couple of years since I last posted this one

Okeydok. I've kinda been banned from telling this one at uni, because if I do the guys in the office have threatened to lynch me.

Anyways:

The golden joke.
=============

Long long ago in a golden galaxy far far way ther was a golden planet. On this golden planet was a golden country. In the golden country was a golden town, in this golden town was a golden house, and in the golden house lived a golden man.

Now everything in the golden man's house was golden. The kitchen was golden, the living room was golden. The bedrooms were golden too. The golden bathroom had a golden bath, with golden taps and golden towels hanging on the golden towel rail. The golden garden was full of golden planets, and the golden sun shone onto the golden lawn and was reflected by the golden water in the golden pool. Life was golden.

Now one day the golden man was sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, whilst eating his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that Now one day the golden man was sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, whilst eating his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a fisherman. "I've been stranded" He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the fisherman in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

And so together in the golden house. The 6 companions had a golden nights sleep.

The next golden morning the golden man decided to make a golden breakfast from his golden guests. So he wnet and asked then what they would like for their golden breakfast.

"Cornflakes" said the first guest.
"Cornflakes" said the second guest.
"Cornflakes" said the third guest.
"Cornflakes" said the forth guest.
"Kippers" said the fifth guest.

The moral of this story is:

Spoiler

4 out of 5 people prefer cornflakes for their breakfast!

 

[ChankastRules]

Okay, I was wrong, this joke thread could sink lower than my joke... that golden stuff does a good job of messing with your brain though, even if I did realise it was the same thing a couple of times over and could skip some Good thing you're in a high position here Betamax *LOL* no chance of getting banned! ( hopefully ) Here's a short one:

A man calls the doctor completely hysterical:
"Doctor Doctor my baby swolled a condom!!!"

Doctor
"Calm down and get over here and I'll help you get it out"

Man
"Nevermind I found another one."

 

[Player-X]

This one could go even lower

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

 

[Hannibal]

"God is death" - Nietzsche
"Nietzche is death" - God

You have to have a limited knowledge of who Nietzsche was to understand this. Most people dont get this joke. Yeah this thread just reach a new low level. Remember this is a joke and only a joke. Please do not get offended.

 

[Aided Onslaught]

How do you make a dead baby float?



ADD TWO SCOPES OF ICE CREAM! (please dont' hurt me because of this joke, I have much worse...)

 

[Xymet]

This is one from a E Mail I got the other day, check it out

Birthday

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?

Little Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?

Little Johnny: Nine.

Teacher: That's impossible.

Little Johnny: No, it isn't, teacher. Today is my birthday. I'm eight today!

Bluberry Hill

One boy came late to class and the teacher said WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill

Another boy came late to class And the teacher said WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill

Little Johnny came late to class and the teacher says WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? He said on top of blueberry hill

A young girl walked into class and the teacher said whats your name? She answered "Blueberry Hill."

 

[Xymet]

Heres another list of Jokes I found, this is all so funny. lol, lol, lol

Adding LJ00001

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-***** is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-***** is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."





A Gift for Teacher LJ00002

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."





New Teacher LJ00003

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."






Abstract Logic LJ00004

The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic.

"Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?"

Johnny promptly replied,, "That it was on the bum."





Acting LJ00005

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."





10 Commandments LJ00006

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."





Addition LJ00007

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big hands!





Alabama LJ00008

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."





Alligator LJ00009

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"





Amen LJ00010

During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what ’Amen’ means.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "It means... tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"

 

[cloudvii]

Betamax ..... I hate you.

 

[Cid Highwind]

It's been a couple of years since I last posted this one

Okeydok. I've kinda been banned from telling this one at uni, because if I do the guys in the office have threatened to lynch me.

Anyways:

The golden joke.
=============

Long long ago in a golden galaxy far far way ther was a golden planet. On this golden planet was a golden country. In the golden country was a golden town, in this golden town was a golden house, and in the golden house lived a golden man.

Now everything in the golden man's house was golden. The kitchen was golden, the living room was golden. The bedrooms were golden too. The golden bathroom had a golden bath, with golden taps and golden towels hanging on the golden towel rail. The golden garden was full of golden planets, and the golden sun shone onto the golden lawn and was reflected by the golden water in the golden pool. Life was golden.

Now one day the golden man was sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, whilst eating his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that Now one day the golden man was sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, whilst eating his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a farmer. "My tractor has broken down." He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the farmer in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

Later on that evening, the golden man was again sitting in his golden living room watching his golden TV, finishing off his golden dinner. Then suddenly he heard a golden knock on his golden door. So the golden man thought to himself, "I'd better go answer it". So the golden man got out of his golden chair, walked accross the golden living room, opened the golden door, crossed the golden hall and open the golden front door. Stood in the golden doorway was a fisherman. "I've been stranded" He said, "May I spend the night". The golden man thought for a second and agreed.

So the golden man let the fisherman in and together they went up the golden stairs, across the golden landing. The golden man showed his guest to the golden spare room, then proceeded to return to the living room.

And so together in the golden house. The 6 companions had a golden nights sleep.

The next golden morning the golden man decided to make a golden breakfast from his golden guests. So he wnet and asked then what they would like for their golden breakfast.

"Cornflakes" said the first guest.
"Cornflakes" said the second guest.
"Cornflakes" said the third guest.
"Cornflakes" said the forth guest.
"Kippers" said the fifth guest.

The moral of this story is:

Spoiler

4 out of 5 people prefer cornflakes for their breakfast!

:ban:
I don't think I have the patience to let one tell such a joke. But the best part of such a joke is written on the faces of the ones that took the effort to listen to it till the end

 

[Cloud Strife 7]

You know, I actually spent all the time necessary to read Betamax`s joke. I didn`t even skip any word of it thinking that if I get very borred till the end the best part of it will cause me to burst in laughter, falling from my chair and rolling on the ground with laughter like I was on fire and someone threw acid at me to put out the flames. And in the end... I laughed... I think I finally found out why he was banned.
I guess that, in this thread, it`s not the jokes that makes you laugh, it`s the angry mob`s reactions after reading bad, almost boring to death jokes.
Now, in the end, a question: Elly, could you include Betamax`s ban into the plan :evil: ? (j/k)
Edit: I`ll try to find some jokes to post in this thread.

 

[Samor]

Beta> Yours reminds me of the joke with the red and the blue Porsche

 

[ChankastRules]

Here goes another one: ( I hope none gets offended )

There are three people standing on a balcony close to the top of a tall building. One Swede, a Turkish guy and a finnish guy.

The finnish guy starts to throw out cell phones, and the swedish guy asks "Why are you doing that?"

The finnish guy replies "We have so many of these in my country!"

After that the turkish guy begins to throw out gems, and the swedish guy asks "Why are you doing that?"

The Turkish guy replies "We have so many of these in my country!"

When the swede throws out the Turkish guy, and the finnish guy asks "Why did you do that?"

The Swede replies "We have got so many of these in my country!"

 

[Cid Highwind]

Here goes another one: ( I hope none gets offended )

There are three people standing on a balcony close to the top of a tall building. One Swede, a Turkish guy and a finnish guy.

The finnish guy starts to throw out cell phones, and the swedish guy asks "Why are you doing that?"

The finnish guy replies "We have so many of these in my country!"

After that the turkish guy begins to throw out gems, and the swedish guy asks "Why are you doing that?"

The Turkish guy replies "We have so many of these in my country!"

When the swede throws out the Turkish guy, and the finnish guy asks "Why did you do that?"

The Swede replies "We have got so many of these in my country!"

The real joke is: In how many countries is this joke being told with some other country names

Yeah I heard it before

 

[cloudvii]

Ok, revenge time :evil:
Listen :

"One day, Father Turtle, took his wife Tortoise and his kid Turty to a picinic at the beach. Since turtles move so slow, it took them 40 years to reach the beach. But when they were about to eat, Turtle noticed that they forgot the salt.
Turtle : Obs, I think we forgot the salt.
His wife, Tortoise tried to convince him to eat without it, but he refused. So he asked his son Turty to go back to their house, get the salt and return again so that they finally eat.
Turty : But you won't wait for me and eat
Turtle : No, we promise that we'll wait for you.
So the parents wait for their son to go get the salt so that they can eat together. But after 40 years of waiting.
Tortoise : Are you sure we can wait for another 40 years before we eat? He has probably just reached our home.
Turtle : No, we'll wait. We promised him.
After 80 years.
Tortoise : What's taking him that long?
Turtle : I don't know, maybe it's traffic. Let's wait for another 2 years.
After 82 years.
Turtle : No I can't stand it anymore, let's eat.
They both start eating when, their son Turty jumps from behind the near bushes.
Turty : See, I knew you wouldn't wait for me if I went to get the salt."



Side note : I heard these in arabic, so I really need to know if I did translate it well.

 

[Betamax]

You know, I actually spent all the time necessary to read Betamax`s joke. I didn`t even skip any word of it thinking that if I get very borred till the end the best part of it will cause me to burst in laughter, falling from my chair and rolling on the ground with laughter like I was on fire and someone threw acid at me to put out the flames. And in the end... I laughed... I think I finally found out why he was banned.
I guess that, in this thread, it`s not the jokes that makes you laugh, it`s the angry mob`s reactions after reading bad, almost boring to death jokes.
Now, in the end, a question: Elly, could you include Betamax`s ban into the plan :evil: ? (j/k)
Edit: I`ll try to find some jokes to post in this thread.

Naw I wasn't banned from the site.... I was banned from telling that joke :evil: .
Besides, I did warn ya .

 

[Boltzmann]

So René Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes, being a good Frenchman and deeming beer suitable only for Englishmen and Belgians, says, "I think not," and disappears in a puff of logic.

Another bad philosophical joke:

Descartes and Wittgenstein are on a Mediterranean cruise and they lean against the ship's railing and look thoughtfully at the seemingly endless expanse of the bluegreen sea.

After a long while Descartes speaks...

"Wittgenstein, clara voce cogito; visne scire quid credem? Credo 'cogito, ergo sum'."

Translation...
"Wittgenstein, I'm thinking out loud; you know what I think? I think that 'I think, therefore I am'."

To which Wittgenstein replied...

"Descartes, you pretentious dolt, can't you speak English?
You are presuming the "I" that does the thinking!"

Then Descartes and Wittgenstein both vanish in a puff of Wittgenstein's logic.


Yep, this thread has reached a new low :lol:

 

[Proto]

Hehe... those were good ones. Now for the pathetic ones (I actually saw this one on of my teacher's T-shirts)

How many people know hex if only you and dead people know hex?

Spoiler

57006

Side note : I heard these in arabic, so I really need to know if I did translate it well.

The translation isn't that bad, but worry not, it is vastly compensated by the joke's quality