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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in my first real relationship and I'm really insecure as you can be. I feel like I always have to be checking up on my girlfriend because I have these uncertain feelings because of the way she is. She's a big time flirt and a person who likes to be socially active as you can be... basically a people's person. I don't think she will ever cheat on me or whatever because I can tell she really loves me as much as you can love someone but I hate this feeling of not knowing what's going on. You can tell this is a trust issue although she has never cheated on me. I'm her first real boyfriend as well as she's had like a million "boyfriends" but not a real boyfriend if you know what I mean. She's way more experienced than I am in this boyfriend/girlfriend thing so I try to learn as I go obviously. But I'm so insecure about us even though I love her to death. How can I stop being like this and not make my insecurity ruin our relationship? I know you can't just turn it off but are there steps I should take and think about before becoming a nervous wreck?

I probably shouldn't be asking in an EMULATION forum but it feels good expressing my feelings.

*edit*

Damn I just wrote this and she did something to piss me off with something related to this subject and it hasn't even been a minute.
 

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The Hunter
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I think you are at the right place when asking about stuff like this :)

From my own experience, I know what it feels like... However, try to giver her space to breathe if you know what I mean. When you will give her the feeling that you're like a weight chained to her ankle things will go downward.

Have you already talked about this with her in person? It's a good thing if you are able to show your feelings on this subject to her. You both love each other a lot, so I don't foresee any problems when talking about things like this. Try to be understanding (judging from what you wrote I know you are) and be honest about your own feelings. What you need is hearing some positive words about this from your GF herself, not some peptalk from us :p We can tell you to trust her, but that's not the right way. Whatever you do, don't crop it up or you will end up as a nervous wreck.

If she's a flirt and this is her first serious relationship, there might be some things about her attitude towards other guys that will bother you. Try to explain her how you feel about it and also try to ask her what she sees as 'the limit'. Another good thing might be that when you are going out together, that she will give you the opportunity to explain your feelings whenever you don't feel comfortable in a certain situation because of her behaviour.

I hope this can be of any help, good luck :)
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Cid Highwind said:
I think you are at the right place when asking about stuff like this :)

From my own experience, I know what it feels like... However, try to giver her space to breathe if you know what I mean. When you will give her the feeling that you're like a weight chained to her ankle things will go downward.

Have you already talked about this with her in person? It's a good thing if you are able to show your feelings on this subject to her. You both love each other a lot, so I don't foresee any problems when talking about things like this. Try to be understanding (judging from what you wrote I know you are) and be honest about your own feelings. What you need is hearing some positive words about this from your GF herself, not some peptalk from us :p We can tell you to trust her, but that's not the right way. Whatever you do, don't crop it up or you will end up as a nervous wreck.

If she's a flirt and this is her first serious relationship, there might be some things about her attitude towards other guys that will bother you. Try to explain her how you feel about it and also try to ask her what she sees as 'the limit'. Another good thing might be that when you are going out together, that she will give you the opportunity to explain your feelings whenever you don't feel comfortable in a certain situation because of her behaviour.

I hope this can be of any help, good luck :)
Yeah you're right. We're having that talk that you mentioned before right now and it made me calmer plus what you said is true. I just needed someone with a clear mind and experience to say it because my mind was so clouded before. It seems communication and understanding is the key. Hopefully I won't forget although it's hard to remember this when you're in the heat of the moment. I'm too much of an emotional person and I become less than understanding.
 

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The ChinaDude!!!
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being emotional has its ups and downs. I'm sure a good talk will indeed straighten stuff out. And remember, being honest is the most important thing...
Not telling things, "because they didn't seem important" is something a relationship can really wreck itself upon...

tho being too honest can be bad too ^_^;
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Eface said:
being emotional has its ups and downs. I'm sure a good talk will indeed straighten stuff out. And remember, being honest is the most important thing...
Not telling things, "because they didn't seem important" is something a relationship can really wreck itself upon...

tho being too honest can be bad too ^_^;
You're confusing me :lol:

I just realized something. I think I act this way because I feel like someone is going to take her away from me. This might never be the case and our love would be too strong for someone to step in and destroy it but because I'm acting like this, this might turn her off and feel that we need to go our seperate ways. So in reality if I continue to act like this, what might make her go with someone else is not that other person, it might be me and my ways and I don't want that. I better calm down with all the paranoia.
 

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Emulation to the max!
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talking is good but in the end its gonna have to be trust. if you cant trust them then you shouldnt be in a relationship with them. if you can trust them then you have nothing to worry about. if your afraid that something is going on behind your back once in awhile its ok but not everyday. if your love is true it will withstand all trials, if not be glad it ended sooner than later... say 20 years from now.
 

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Coffee Demon
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hehehe...the ongoing dillemma. You find yourself with a fun and attractive woman. It is quite the accomplishment, but the problem is that your trophy girlfriend is fun and attractive to every other guy. You try to be trusting, but you trust nobody else around her. The problem is that even though you trust her (but not them) she will still see it as if you don't trust her....Thus the dillemma...haha

We think your in the right direction...you kids need to communicate. She may be a little more experienced in regards to dating, but you even stated that this is her first "real" relationship...so it is a first for you both. Make it your misson to always make her feel desirable...if you don't someone else will. You will always have the insecurities, but keep tellin yourself that at the end of the day she is still with you.

Your in for quite a big mission buddy, but it should be quite the learning experience. Good luck to you...and remember that insecurities can cause failed relationships, but they also serve as a warning mechanism...if something does not feel right, and you find her stepping to far into her flirtatious ways..then walk away...
 

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hey, another of these threads...i'm getting tired of them :p
Shadow, I think all of we understand what you're feeling... and imho this insecurity is absolutely normal. Just don't get a paranoia with this. I just like comment some things...

You know she likes you a lot, so you don't need to be worried. But when you say that you love her to death... then I think you must review your concepts, and may be a little worried :p I say this cause I felt this kind of love (but no, wasn't at the situation as yours), and its not good. Love her but be yourself, do not forget about you right? Cause if someday, what all of we hope that does not happen, but unfortunately happens to you two get separated, you'll need to be strong to face the separation and also be independent (I mean independence as you being yourself, you don't depending of her). So see...love is good. but if much becomes poison ;)

About you being her first real BF, thats not a prob. I have a lot of friends that are in the same situation as you, and they're together for a looong time, and they are very happy :) and she is more experienced than you? good, you can learn a lot of good things. specially cause you two loves each other, so it will be more joyfull to teach/learn new things ;)

DW and Cid: you guys should open a "Love/Emotional Sickness Healing Clinic" ;)
/offtopic: sorry for posting this here, but I think its not a good idea to reopen my thread. Many weeks after all my history, I just like to say that everything normal among me and my friend Laine. My feelings seems to be weakened and I'm on real again, even sometimes falling around and crying for her :) we're very friends again, and thats it, seems to be ok. THANKS SO MUCH FRIENDS FOR THE HELP! I LOVE YOU ALL! :D (and be aware for another of my love sickness :p )

I wish you all the best Shadow :)
ps. : isn't GF from FF8? :p
 

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The Hunter
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GF can be used as girlfriend, as Geforce and as Guardian force you FF nutter :p

And yes, we had a love clinic although I can't recall seeing DW very often in there. It was called the 'what girls/guys do you still love?' thread. Or just plain 'the love thread' :p
Anyway, it's good to hear things are going alright with you again. Whenever there's something wrong there's always the option of posting it here.
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Dark Watcher said:
hehehe...the ongoing dillemma. You find yourself with a fun and attractive woman. It is quite the accomplishment, but the problem is that your trophy girlfriend is fun and attractive to every other guy. You try to be trusting, but you trust nobody else around her. The problem is that even though you trust her (but not them) she will still see it as if you don't trust her....Thus the dillemma...haha

We think your in the right direction...you kids need to communicate. She may be a little more experienced in regards to dating, but you even stated that this is her first "real" relationship...so it is a first for you both. Make it your misson to always make her feel desirable...if you don't someone else will. You will always have the insecurities, but keep tellin yourself that at the end of the day she is still with you.

Your in for quite a big mission buddy, but it should be quite the learning experience. Good luck to you...and remember that insecurities can cause failed relationships, but they also serve as a warning mechanism...if something does not feel right, and you find her stepping to far into her flirtatious ways..then walk away...
Dude you hit it right on the head or however the expression goes. That's exactly how it is. She's a really attractive girl like big time and guys are always trying to flirt with her. She's also a really "open" spirit in that she isn't shy or closed off about what's in her mind. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong but since I'm not the type of person that is like that, I don't see it as alright. Her and I are like different as can be. We're different but we can talk for hours. Everyday for the past 6 months we talked for 5, 6 hours if it's humanly possible and I'm not exaggerating. I talked to her on several occasions basically from noon to 6 AM. Because of this, I didn't do so well in school last semester and had some consequences at school. But I think we love our differences but when they don't affect us. When it does affect us, we don't like it.

Oh another thing. I tried to please her by stop talking to other girls. She told me "It's either them or me" and I chose her just to make her happy. Other girls used to tell me that she wanted me to herself and that's what I did. I basically gave her myself. But now that she got me, it feels unfair that she's talking to these other people that I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. She told me if something could happen between those people, that she wouldn't talk to them. Ugh it's just a confusing situation for me and I'm not experienced enough in it.

BTW, you other guys are helping me a lot as well. It's good to hear about what other people think because since I'm being involved in it, it's kind of hard to make a judgement and not know if it's reasonable. You guys are better than my conscious. :p
 

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The Hunter
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Oh another thing. I tried to please her by stop talking to other girls. She told me "It's either them or me" and I chose her just to make her happy. Other girls used to tell me that she wanted me to herself and that's what I did. I basically gave her myself. But now that she got me, it feels unfair that she's talking to these other people that I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. She told me if something could happen between those people, that she wouldn't talk to them. Ugh it's just a confusing situation for me and I'm not experienced enough in it.
Now this is NOT a good thing. Try to make clear that if she wants to talk to other guys, she should not see a problem when you are talking to other girls. Also, this points out to the fact she is also insecure about you loving her perhaps, because she does not want to risk losing her. Best method: Try use her own arguements for talking to guys and about not loving them in your advantage ;)
 

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ShadowDancer said:
Oh another thing. I tried to please her by stop talking to other girls. She told me "It's either them or me" and I chose her just to make her happy. Other girls used to tell me that she wanted me to herself and that's what I did. I basically gave her myself. But now that she got me, it feels unfair that she's talking to these other people that I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. She told me if something could happen between those people, that she wouldn't talk to them. Ugh it's just a confusing situation for me and I'm not experienced enough in it.
no needs for this... you may talk to girls and she talks to guys. remember, love her, but be yourself. if you stop to do your things just because her, you won't live YOUR life, but hers ;)
Love no need chains, it gives freedom :)
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
I just got off the phone with her and she told me that it's not a girl thing only, it also includes guys. The other day I started to talk to my friend that I haven't talked to in a long time and she got real mad at me for talking to him. She says it makes her feel like I'm not paying attention to her when I start talking to other people so that's why she's like that. She's a major attention whore and she looks for attention anywhere she can get it it seems. I try to give her attention but it seems like mine isn't enough and she looks for it somewhere else. I don't even know how to give her more attention besides marrying her.

But basically she's giving me an ultimatum is what it sounds like to me. It's either them (friends, guys and girls) or her yet she can still talk to whoever she wants. It doesn't seem fair.

I feel like this girl has me by the balls though. Does it sound like a case of "I need her more than she needs me"?

We both love each other and want to make this work. But I know I have some faults in the way I'm acting as well because I'm probably being insecure for "no reason" (her words when I told her about this). But it's the whole thing with the guys that bothers me though. I just don't know how to deal with THAT. I just gotta know that she's WITH ME and no one else. I talk to her before she falls asleep and she's with me because she likes and loves me. I guess it's something I have to learn how to deal with.

Also she's right in saying that she's still with me even though I've put her up through a lot of crap. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, I do overreact and make her feel horrible and this isn't something recent in our relationship yet through all of this, she's still with me. I just guess that it's hard for me to understand some stuff about her and I'm not going to make her change because I fell in love with her the way she is. I guess it's me who has to make an effort to understand and for her to understand my feelings. Compromise is one of the keys to a healthy relationship right? :)
 

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The Hunter
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Yes, to compromise is a key, but when to compromise means having to sacrifice friends, it's a different situation. If she really loves you she should not force you in a way like this.
The other day I started to talk to my friend that I haven't talked to in a long time and she got real mad at me for talking to him. She says it makes her feel like I'm not paying attention to her when I start talking to other people so that's why she's like that. She's a major attention whore and she looks for attention anywhere she can get it it seems.
This already points out it's not your behaviour that's the problem, but it's her attitude. She wants you to spend all your attention on her. Try to make clear that there are also other important people in your life. It's good to look for a compromise, and sometimes small sacrifices have to be made as well, but never let other friendships die because of a girlfriend. One day you might need those friends again...

I know what it feels to really care about a person even though it seems you have to make a lot of sacrifices that you really don't want to... I used to give my gf all the attention and freedom I had to offer her. I wanted to see her happy, because that's what made me happy. Cheesy, but it's true. In the end I couldn't offer her anymore, still I wasn't happy myself because things weren't going the way I wanted. I started to think about what I got in return... Not enough in comparison to what I gave her. Things were simply unfair. That's when I let her go (when we already were 'normal friends' because she already broke up), and she regretted it with all her life how stupid she actually was.

Moral of the story: Try to prevent her getting you by the balls, sacrifices have to be made because you want it and because it's for the best, not because she wants you to make them. And if nothing else works you can make her feel her mistakes the evil way :evil:
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I just need to get this out of my system so sorry for bumping this thread but I need to release some stress. It won't be long.

I don't have a single strand of trust in this girl. She's become closer to her ex boyfriend and she says "well don't worry, nothing will ever happen between us". You know what I think right? Yeah FU<KING RIGHT! Sorry for the curse word but I'm real f'ing mad. She says he's my _________ (insert name of her best girlfriend's name here) #2. So obviously from her telling me this makes it seem like he's just as close as she is with her and her best friend (the girl one). He has a girlfriend and yesterday night she called him up and put me on three way with him to let him to tell me that nothing is going on. I just don't understand why she would become closer to him AFTER the fact that we hooked up before she even was this close as a friend with him. It annoys the hell out of me! There's nothing I can do because her and I go to different schools and her and that guy go to the same school. If she thinks it's alright for her to try and become closer to another guy after she's with me, then I can do the same right? I'll just try to find some girl to become "closer" to with as well and see how she likes it because this double standard sh!t isn't going to work with me. Okay thanks for listening to me.

*edit*

Oh yeah, the guy was telling me "You don't trust her?" I'm all "no because you know how she is. You know she's a big time flirt...." He even admitted that she was when he said "yeah she is". So he starts telling me why I don't trust her and he's all trying to let me understand the situation but they're the ones who doesn't understand it. I told him how would you like it if the girl he's with now starts talking to her ex and becomes "closer" with him. I swear it's like I'm dealing with a bunch of kids.
 

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Prepare for Descent...
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Honestly, I think you should end it with her. In my opinion she's being really selfish, especially when she told you not to basically talk to anyone but her. And now, with the ex-boyfriend...I dunno...I think the earlier you end it the better. Besides, there are plenty of fish in the sea ;) I'm sure you'll find someone better.

Btw, I'm not trying to sound mean, I just think that might be best thing to do.
 

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Damn this girl is nothing but trouble,she wants you not to talk to anybody but it's ok for her to talk to whoever and get closer to an ex,cut this tramp lose asap.
 

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Heh...
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
This sh!t sucks! I think it might be over, not sure because I haven't talked to her ever since this happened. This is the hardest thing EVER!!!!!!!!!! I have a freaking test tomorrow and I can't even study because my mind is in a whirlpool!
 

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well, sad but better than stay with someone like her :)
imHo, she was playing so dirty. so you cant have friends, but she may have? its not fair.
It may be a hard moment, may be hurting yet, but don't worry because you have friends here :)
 
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